Linking up with Lisa Jo Baker for Five Minute Friday.
Rules: Write for five minutes straight. No editing, no second thoughts. Just write and link up! Here we go!
Start.
Lonely.
That's not really a word that I associate with at a glance.
I have a happy family life, a wonderful marriage, a few but fierce set of friends. For the most part, I don't think I've ever really been lonely.
For the most part...
Last year I had a pretty emotional year as I dealt with the realization that I was childless. I know that sounds odd. Of course I knew that I didn't have children, but I didn't realize that I had some severe emotional turmoil that went along with that fact.
Getting through that part of my life was nothing sort of miraculous and I am in awe of God's graciousness each day.
But during that time, I isolated myself. I didn't want anyone to be near me because I was afraid they might figure out what was going on inside my heart.
I didn't want to hear their words of wisdom and intended comfort.
I didn't want to hear how this person or that had overcome their struggles with childlessness.
I didn't want to hear that they were praying for me.
I was so selfish. And I was lonely.
I refused to let anyone into my heart in a vain attempt to protect myself. When all that did was make matters worse.
It wasn't until I opened up to those around me that I started to feel less isolated. It wasn't until I opened myself up to God that I truly started to heal.
Lonely. I'm glad I don't recognize that word anymore.
Stop.
Have you ever been lonely? Are you lonely now? How are you/did you deal with it?
Oh how my heart hurt for you, and rejoiced with you as I read your words! How often we are deceived into thinking we must suffer alone because Satan is so aware of the healing we can receive just from reaching out. Thank you for sharing your brave and beautiful words :) Your FMF neighbor, Bobbi
ReplyDeleteThank you Bobbi, for stopping by and for your encouragement. I'm glad that Satan didn't win this fight :-)
DeleteIt's an interesting coincidence that you wrote on this subject because I was just considering this event from my past just today. After my father passed away I moved in with my friend Kevin. My mother had already passed away several years before. I was well and truly an orphan at 28 years old. While they were alive my parents were very attentive to me when I was sick, almost to an over compensating degree. Doting and hover over me and see into my every need. It was quite extraordinary parenting that unfortunately at the time I did not perceive. A few months after moving into Kevins house, I became very ill to my stomach. I awoken the night with that dreaded realization that I was going to vomit! I processed into the bathroom and begin to heave my guts out. Upon cessation of the event I raised up and realized there was no one there. I had been accustomed to a vomiting fit that was followed by a flurry of warm moist towels on the back of my neck, and the warm soft reassurance that everything would be okay. I sat down in the floor of heaven bathroom and realize that I had just vomited into a toilet and nobody in the world cared. I begin to laugh. That what's the single saddest and most pathetic thing I've ever heard of in my life and it struck me as very funny. Some yours later a therapist told me that was the only way I could think of to deal with the horrible realization. I don't suppose I've never really dealt with, maybe you never too. Maybe you really aren't supposed to. It colors who I am. And I suppose as long as I like Who I am that's okay. I just try very hard not to be sick at my stomach anymore.
ReplyDeleteOh Sean, I can't even imagine going through that. You are still so loved and your Heavenly Father wraps you in the warmth of His love each day. I know it's not the same at all, but you're not forgotten. You are loved, my dear sweet friend.
DeleteThank you my dear. It is because the good Lord in heaven has not forgotten me, by giving me better friends than I could have ever dreamed of, is the single reason why I still here, and will continue to be here for centuries to come. A wise man once said, loneliness is not a lack of being loved, it's the lack of people to love. You guys are my family, and I love all of you is dearly as if we were born to it. So all is well.
DeleteHi Victoria! I am coming over from FMF.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I also dealt with infertility. It is not a fun time at all. I can completely relate to your feelings of isolation. What a wonder you have come out of that place so strong! You can even write about it, and that is a great sign of healing, don't you think?
So great to meet you today!
Ceil
Thanks Ceil! There is definite healing still taking place :-)
DeleteThanks for stopping by!