Day 43 - Not Pregnant, Not Infertile.

Warning: This is not a story of infertility.

On Friday of last week, I shared a post that revealed something that I have been keeping hidden for a long time.

I am not able to have children, but I so desperately want to. 

After that post, I received many comments, emails, Facebook messages, and texts with words of comfort, support, love, and suggestions.

It was the latter that made me realize that I really needed to share my full story. I so crave your prayers and really need your encouragement on this journey. But I have been selfish, or perhaps, protective in the interest of self preservation, regarding the details of my situation.

But I think it's time you know...

I have Candida. You may have heard of it. Candida is a system wide yeast overgrowth. And yes, it's as fun as it sounds. Most people have some form of Candida as a result of the standard American diet of high starch/processed foods.

You're probably shrugging your shoulders and saying "So?". That's what I thought too.

Three years ago I started gaining weight. A lot of weight. Without any change to my diet or lifestyle, the pounds just packed on. And fast. In less than eight weeks I gained 85 pounds. 85 pounds! Ugh, just thinking about that time of buying new clothes every week is enough to bring me to tears.

Obviously this was cause for concern and after seeing the doctor we discovered that I had Candida, and that I had already had Candida for at least three years at that time. That's where you find us today, a total of six years with this condition.

Why does Candida stop us from having kids?

When I was first diagnosed with Candida, I was told that the severity of my case had done damage to my organs. So much so, that I can't safely carry a pregnancy without my life and the life of the baby being in jeopardy.

When I heard that, my heart broke. But only for a moment as the doctor began reassuring me that this was easily treatable.

Great! Let's do this! I'm not one to sit around, so let's knock this out!

We geared up for the medications, supplements, and diet that would accompany the destruction of the Candida overgrowth.

Several months into the treatment there had still been no positive results, only negative ones.

We ditched that plan and researched other ways of getting rid of Candida.

We tried traditional AMA approaches.

Naturapathic alternatives.


Essential oils.

The laying on of hands.

Being anointed with oils.

The G.A.P.S. diet.

The Anti-Candida diet.

The Nurishing Traditions diet.

The Raw Food diet.

And many, many other forms of treatment... all to no avail.

We have spent almost $30,000 in the last 3 years on Candida treatments.

Financially, I felt what my friends facing infertility were going through, but I still didn't feel like my story was on the same level with those suffering the physical and mental pain of infertility....

This is why I have refrained from talking about my situation.

It never felt like this was worth talking about. Worth telling. Worth asking for prayer over.

When you boil it down, I probably just need to find the right diet. It's laughable to think that this is the same thing that women who battle infertility face everyday. 

Isn't it?

That's what I thought for a long time.

I kept it all pent up inside and never dealt with the emotional turmoil of being childless. I comforted friends in the pain of infertility, I prayed for them and begged God for their relief, for a miracle.

But I never shared my own pain. Honestly, I never really registered that I was in pain. I so quickly squashed it that I didn't give it time to settle itself into my consciousness.

I ignored the sting that came with every friend telling me she was pregnant. Every kick that I was asked to feel, I felt with a smile on my face so big that I couldn't hear the sound of my breaking heart. I laughed in delight at every baby shower or baby store as I picked up every tiny piece of clothing for the expectant mama to look at. But I was so broken I couldn't even see it.

That changed last fall. Through a series of situations that quickly came one after another, those emotions came raging to the surface and demanded that they be dealt with.

But how do you deal with non-infertility?

I didn't know how to deal with these emotions. There aren't a lot of resources that I've found for dealing with childlessness, unless that childlessness goes hand in hand with infertility. And that's a big part of the rub, isn't it?

I have no idea if I'm infertile or not.

In some ways that's a great thing. And in some ways, I think it might be worse.

We know each month without a doubt, that I will not be pregnant. We have no hope that this month will be the month that we start a family. We don't even get to try.

But even though the "trying for a family part" is different, there are many things that are exactly the same as for those facing infertility.

I remember the moment that I realized that. It was just a few months ago as I sat reading the infertility blog of a friend. All these things she talked about struggling with, I realized with a shock that I was struggling with those same issues...

The emotions are the same; fear, doubt, anger, pain, jealousy, resentment, shame, self-pity, indignation, and confusion.

The things you let go of are the same too. I've had to let go of dreams, control, expectations, and who I thought I would be by now.

That sent me reeling. The emotions I'm feeling are real. Now how do I deal with them?

Less than 6 months ago I hit my limit. I was an emotional wreck. My poor husband and parents tried to pick me up and get me through this, but nothing they could say helped. 

I cried out to God every single day through tears of anguish for Him to ease these feelings of helplessness and loss. The feeling that I was lesser for not having children. That somehow I was not doing what I should be by not having fulfilled that most basic function of a marriage.

The feeling of being on the outside looking in as my friends and family stepped one by one through the curtain of parenthood. The feeling that it was some poor decision or past sin that God was punishing me for...

The pain of this was unlike anything I had ever experienced and it was something that I was not equipped to deal with.

Fortunately, God was.

I was asked by a co-worker to join a bible study that would take place after school each Tuesday. A bible study on the book of James. I said yes and we started two weeks later.

That bible study literally and without exaggeration, changed my life.

I poured my heart and soul into every daily lesson, sometimes waking up at 4:00am to get started. I couldn't wait to see how God was going to speak into my heart each day. By pouring out those emotions and devouring God's Word, I heard His voice more clearly than I every had before... and He calmed my heart.

He restored my perspective and gave me peace.

By no means is the pain gone. It is very real and still there each day. But I know how to deal with it now. I give it to Him.

* * * * *

If you or anyone you know is experiencing feelings of frustration or confusion regarding God's plan for your life, even if it's not regarding childlessness, please consider this....

Beth Moore's James study saved me. And it saved the friend that asked me to join the group. It is not just for childlessness, in fact, it doesn't really talk about that at all. What it does talk about is getting good and truly connected with God. Forming a real relationship with the Creator and seeking His peace and comfort in whatever situation you are struggling with.

You can download the video sessions here for $4.99 a piece (there are 8) and you can grab the workbook here for $15.95.

This study really did change my life and I hope that if you are fighting a battle in your life you will give it a chance to change yours.

*I am in no way being compensated for this story by anyone. This is just a real account of my experience with this study. 

* * * * *

Thank you so much for reading this, my non-infertility story. If you are willing, your prayers would be so appreciated.

We have spent so much money on Candida treatments and have had no success with eliminating the infection. I have prayed and pleaded for healing... And I have to wonder if this is where God wants me for some reason. I don't know if that is true, but He does.

Please pray that He reveals His purpose to us. I want to be in His will, but if this is not necessary to His plan, I want to be healed.

Much love,

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