Day 52 - House Hunting


Here we go again! We lost the bid on the first house we looked at and the second house we were going to see went under contract about 2 hours before we got there!

But just yesterday another house came on the market in the area and price range we are looking at. So we are off at 5 o'clock to see if this is our new home!

It is almost double the size of the other houses in our price range, so I'm sure there is something wrong with it *wink*, but we are hopeful nonetheless.

Pray for wisdom and prudence as we go to see the house today. I don't want to get wrapped up in the idea of getting a house and end up with a nightmare.


I am thankful for the opportunity to seriously look at buying a home.

I am thankful for a realtor and finance team who are willing to look at house after house.

I am thankful that God already knows where are perfect home is and I pray that He will guide us there quickly.



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Day 51 - Tiny Tuesday


As the school year gets closer and closer, I am increasingly thankful for anything that helps me get organized.  There is so much to do and so little time to do it in.

Slowly but surely I am getting there.
I am thankful for freezer meals.

I am thankful for the individual size tin pans that stack perfectly in the freezer.

I am thankful that somehow I managed to cram a months worth of food into our tiny apartment freezer.

What tiny things are you thankful for today?







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Day 50 - Energy


These last few years have been rough as far as my energy level goes. The Candida has left me lethargic and unmotivated to do much of anything.

My husband has been amazing and has picked up most of the slack in the cleaning/cooking area of life. But I feel terribly guilty about that.

Warning: I'm about to say something extremely non-P.C....

I feel like those things, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc... those are part of my role in this marriage.

I enjoy them, I'm better at them, and I miss taking care of them.

But it didn't matter how much I wanted to attend to those things, I never could muster the energy for too long. I might get one or two things done, but the To-Do List is usually at least ten items long!

That changed last night.

I felt the urge to get up and do a quick workout. I did so and then grabbed the husband to join me, and I did it again with him!

This morning I got up and did another workout, followed by a massive amount of cleaning, cooking, and organizing.

I am thrilled! Thank you Jesus and please let this continue!

I am so thankful that I have had such a "normal" and active day today.

I am thankful that I have the energy to workout again. It has been so long and I am ecstatic.

I am thankful that the reason this post is coming so late in the day is because I couldn't stop working!

How is your energy today?







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Day 49 - Super Short Sunday


Things are falling into place. For the first time in quite a while, I feel like things are really falling into place.

It's no where near where I thought the pieces would go, but fortunately, I'm not the one who has the final say.

I am thankful that God knows what the plan is, even when I don't.

I am thankful that I am learning to trust His plan and not throw a fit if things aren't going my way.

I am thankful for the patience that God has been teaching me. Though the road has been so difficult at times, I am so glad I can rely on Him.

Have a great rest of your Sunday!







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Day 48 - Broken, The Sequel


Too bad the Five Minute Friday prompt Broken wasn't today.

My car, my old faithful little white Honda, refused to start up. I was out running errands and KABOOM!... dead car. Thankfully there wasn't actually an explosion.

Put the key in and turned it with all my might. Nothing.

The radio and the A/C still worked, but it didn't even try to turn over. So, 3 hours and one tow truck later, my car is in the shop.

I am so thankful that my dad was able to come sit with me while we tried to figure everything out.

I am thankful that my mom came to have lunch with me while we waited for the tow.

I am thankful for my very sweet parents who are letting me borrow their extra car over the weekend.

Have you ever had a car break down? What did you do? Was there anyone special you knew you could call?







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Day 47 - Broken {Five Minute Friday}



Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker and the amazing community over at Five Minute Friday.

I stayed up late last night, just staring at the clock and waiting for the new Five Minute Friday prompt. I have so loved getting to stretch my writing muscles with this fun exercise.

Midnight came and there was the prompt... one word: Broken.

That word hit me in the gut and froze me.

I didn't want to think about that word. All the imagery that comes to mind when I think about how that word relates to my life.... I just didn't want to do it. Especially after such an emotional post from the last Five Minute Friday, and then the retelling of my childlessness story on Monday. I just wanted an easy, fun topic...

Shutting my computer, I went to bed with a heavy heart and feeling like I was missing out on something. I love this community of women and I didn't want to stay away. But I went to sleep anyway.

As I woke up this morning, that prompt word was the first thing on my mind: Broken.

I started getting ready for the day as that word swam across my mind's eye and forced me to look it straight in the face.

That imagery of broken-heartedness, of childlessness, of a broken marriage, of broken dreams... it was all there.

And then I realized something. All those moments I was seeing, those were all in the past, the long ago past. There was no memory of last night, or last week, when I was truly broken.

God has wrapped His mighty hands around my heart and my life and I am broken no more.

I am thankful for the healing of my heart through my Savior.

I am thankful for the realization that I am not broken.

I am thankful for this community who always encourages one another, I am thankful to be a part of it all.


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Day 46 - Encouragement


 Today was the last day of the last summer camp that I am teaching this year. For my part there was a sigh of relief that it is over mixed with a heavy heart that I won't get to have those fun moments with the little ones again for a while.

It was a difficult day as we finished our quilts. I asked the kids to stretch their abilities, leave their crafting comfort zones and try something new.

Many of them jumped easily into the new skills, but others became quickly frustrated. So much so that at one point I had 6 different kids in tears because they couldn't do some part of the project.


I should add that this morning started out with a raging migraine that left me barely able to open my eyes to the light. 

All the crying did was exacerbate my migraine and leave me tempted to lose my cool.

But I looked down at those little faces and I saw myself. Someone who wants to do well, wants to be pleasing to the one who is in charge, wants to follow directions and do what is asked of them without any problems.

I ask God for direction and then get frustrated when I feel like I'm not able to follow His path as I think He wants me to. 

I ask God for clarification and worry that I have misunderstood, so I just don't do anything. 

I make attempts to follow His commands and things get worse before they get better.

But He so patiently deals with my frustrations, my questioning, my misguided attempts to follow what He has asked of me... so I did as my Father in heaven does, and I showed patience to those little, sweet children.

I told them all the things that they were doing well. I told them that anything worth doing takes time and practice. I told them not to look at the abilities of other and judge their own work by that standard, but to remember that the point is to do the best that you can do

Next time you are tempted to lose your temper, or take over a project that is taking someone else a long time because you think it would "just be easier", or when you want to be critical of the work that someone is doing... remember that God is patient with us.

He encourages us through His word and through other believers.  

He does not ask us to be perfect.

He just asked us to trust Him and obey.

I am thankful for the reminder of God's patience.

I am thankful that my migraine disappeared very quickly after the tears had dried.

I am thankful that the last camp is done ;-)






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Day 45 - Fellowship



To you ever have those days where you are just craving the fellowship of a good friend?

I definitely do.

For so long most of my close friends have lived in different cities and most of our communication takes place via phone or internet. I am so thankful to be able to keep in touch and be a part of their lives, but sometimes you just need to sit across the table from someone and chat.

I got to do that today with a great new friend of mine.

I feel so refreshed and I am glad to have the opportunity to really fellowship.

Do you ever have days like that? Do your friends live nearby, or does most of your fellowship take place with the help of technology?

I am thankful for the chance to fellowship today.

I am thankful for friends, far and wide, who I can be there for and who are always there for me.

I am thankful for hearts filled with God's love who help me see His will and plan for my life!

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Day 44 - Patience in Learning


Another summer camp is in full swing. This time it's sewing!

Teaching 14 kids how to embroider and quilt over the next week is going to be very challenging. But I know that it will also be incredibly rewarding.

You may not know this, but I taught Pre-Kindergarten last year at a Christian school. During that time I taught my class to sew.

They all did small embroidery patches throughout the year and in March we combined them into individual quilts for each student.

They were so proud of their accomplishments and I was proud of their hard work and perseverance.

I have to wonder if that's how God feels about us sometimes. Our first attempts to follow His directions may be clumsy and require a lot of correction, but in the end we have the opportunity to have a beautiful relationship with Him that we can be thrilled to share.
Just like those little children who jumped up and down and pulled on the hands of their parents to go faster as they led them over to their finished craft, I hope that we are so thrilled and fulfilled by our relationship with Christ that we can't wait to share it with others.

I am thankful for the opportunity to share these new skills with so many young people.

I am thankful, as always, for the amazing help that my family is willing to provide.

I am thankful that God never gives up on me... no matter how many times I mess up!






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Day 43 - Not Pregnant, Not Infertile.

Warning: This is not a story of infertility.
 

On Friday of last week, I shared a post that revealed something that I have been keeping hidden for a long time.

I am not able to have children, but I so desperately want to. 

After that post, I received many comments, emails, Facebook messages, and texts with words of comfort, support, love, and suggestions.

It was the latter that made me realize that I really needed to share my full story. I so crave your prayers and really need your encouragement on this journey. But I have been selfish, or perhaps, protective in the interest of self preservation, regarding the details of my situation.

But I think it's time you know...

I have Candida. You may have heard of it. Candida is a system wide yeast overgrowth. And yes, it's as fun as it sounds. Most people have some form of Candida as a result of the standard American diet of high starch/processed foods.

You're probably shrugging your shoulders and saying "So?". That's what I thought too.

Three years ago I started gaining weight. A lot of weight. Without any change to my diet or lifestyle, the pounds just packed on. And fast. In less than eight weeks I gained 85 pounds. 85 pounds! Ugh, just thinking about that time of buying new clothes every week is enough to bring me to tears.


Obviously this was cause for concern and after seeing the doctor we discovered that I had Candida, and that I had already had Candida for at least three years at that time. That's where you find us today, a total of six years with this condition.

Why does Candida stop us from having kids?

When I was first diagnosed with Candida, I was told that the severity of my case had done damage to my organs. So much so, that I can't safely carry a pregnancy without my life and the life of the baby being in jeopardy.

When I heard that, my heart broke. But only for a moment as the doctor began reassuring me that this was easily treatable.

Great! Let's do this! I'm not one to sit around, so let's knock this out!

We geared up for the medications, supplements, and diet that would accompany the destruction of the Candida overgrowth.

Several months into the treatment there had still been no positive results, only negative ones.

We ditched that plan and researched other ways of getting rid of Candida.

We tried traditional AMA approaches.

Naturapathic alternatives.

Supplementation.

Essential oils.

The laying on of hands.

Being anointed with oils.

The G.A.P.S. diet.

The Anti-Candida diet.

The Nurishing Traditions diet.

The Raw Food diet.

And many, many other forms of treatment... all to no avail.

We have spent almost $30,000 in the last 3 years on Candida treatments.

Financially, I felt what my friends facing infertility were going through, but I still didn't feel like my story was on the same level with those suffering the physical and mental pain of infertility....

This is why I have refrained from talking about my situation.

It never felt like this was worth talking about. Worth telling. Worth asking for prayer over.

When you boil it down, I probably just need to find the right diet. It's laughable to think that this is the same thing that women who battle infertility face everyday. 

Isn't it?

That's what I thought for a long time.

I kept it all pent up inside and never dealt with the emotional turmoil of being childless. I comforted friends in the pain of infertility, I prayed for them and begged God for their relief, for a miracle.

But I never shared my own pain. Honestly, I never really registered that I was in pain. I so quickly squashed it that I didn't give it time to settle itself into my consciousness.

I ignored the sting that came with every friend telling me she was pregnant. Every kick that I was asked to feel, I felt with a smile on my face so big that I couldn't hear the sound of my breaking heart. I laughed in delight at every baby shower or baby store as I picked up every tiny piece of clothing for the expectant mama to look at. But I was so broken I couldn't even see it.

That changed last fall. Through a series of situations that quickly came one after another, those emotions came raging to the surface and demanded that they be dealt with.

But how do you deal with non-infertility?

I didn't know how to deal with these emotions. There aren't a lot of resources that I've found for dealing with childlessness, unless that childlessness goes hand in hand with infertility. And that's a big part of the rub, isn't it?

I have no idea if I'm infertile or not.

In some ways that's a great thing. And in some ways, I think it might be worse.

We know each month without a doubt, that I will not be pregnant. We have no hope that this month will be the month that we start a family. We don't even get to try.

But even though the "trying for a family part" is different, there are many things that are exactly the same as for those facing infertility.

I remember the moment that I realized that. It was just a few months ago as I sat reading the infertility blog of a friend. All these things she talked about struggling with, I realized with a shock that I was struggling with those same issues...

The emotions are the same; fear, doubt, anger, pain, jealousy, resentment, shame, self-pity, indignation, and confusion.

The things you let go of are the same too. I've had to let go of dreams, control, expectations, and who I thought I would be by now.

That sent me reeling. The emotions I'm feeling are real. Now how do I deal with them?


Less than 6 months ago I hit my limit. I was an emotional wreck. My poor husband and parents tried to pick me up and get me through this, but nothing they could say helped. 

I cried out to God every single day through tears of anguish for Him to ease these feelings of helplessness and loss. The feeling that I was lesser for not having children. That somehow I was not doing what I should be by not having fulfilled that most basic function of a marriage.

The feeling of being on the outside looking in as my friends and family stepped one by one through the curtain of parenthood. The feeling that it was some poor decision or past sin that God was punishing me for...

The pain of this was unlike anything I had ever experienced and it was something that I was not equipped to deal with.

Fortunately, God was.

I was asked by a co-worker to join a bible study that would take place after school each Tuesday. A bible study on the book of James. I said yes and we started two weeks later.

That bible study literally and without exaggeration, changed my life.

I poured my heart and soul into every daily lesson, sometimes waking up at 4:00am to get started. I couldn't wait to see how God was going to speak into my heart each day. By pouring out those emotions and devouring God's Word, I heard His voice more clearly than I every had before... and He calmed my heart.

He restored my perspective and gave me peace.

By no means is the pain gone. It is very real and still there each day. But I know how to deal with it now. I give it to Him.

* * * * *

If you or anyone you know is experiencing feelings of frustration or confusion regarding God's plan for your life, even if it's not regarding childlessness, please consider this....

Beth Moore's James study saved me. And it saved the friend that asked me to join the group. It is not just for childlessness, in fact, it doesn't really talk about that at all. What it does talk about is getting good and truly connected with God. Forming a real relationship with the Creator and seeking His peace and comfort in whatever situation you are struggling with.

You can download the video sessions here for $4.99 a piece (there are 8) and you can grab the workbook here for $15.95.

This study really did change my life and I hope that if you are fighting a battle in your life you will give it a chance to change yours.

*I am in no way being compensated for this story by anyone. This is just a real account of my experience with this study. 

* * * * *

Thank you so much for reading this, my non-infertility story. If you are willing, your prayers would be so appreciated.

We have spent so much money on Candida treatments and have had no success with eliminating the infection. I have prayed and pleaded for healing... And I have to wonder if this is where God wants me for some reason. I don't know if that is true, but He does.

Please pray that He reveals His purpose to us. I want to be in His will, but if this is not necessary to His plan, I want to be healed.

Much love,






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Day 42 - Super Short Sunday



If you leave in Texas right now, that you will probably be experiencing today's thankfulness with me.

The weather. It's amazing!

Under 90, cloudy and raining for most of July. Yep. I'll take it!

I am thankful for these beautiful days!

I am thankful for the much needed rain fall.

I am thankful that I have the summer off and get to enjoy sitting in my living room with the windows open while the rain pours down outside!

What do you think of the weather where you are?






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Day 41 - Support


 Yesterday I wrote a post that was not at all what I was expecting to say.

Sitting down to write my Five Minute Friday post I was all smiles and excited as usual to join the fabulous group over at Lisa-Jo Baker's place.

What I didn't expect was to be bawling at the end of my five minutes.

The words ripped themselves out of my soul, filling the computer screen as I typed. And a longing that I fight every day was revealed.

Thank you to everyone who came to the blog yesterday and shared that moment with me. It was so raw that I was afraid to post it, but the response was so sweet.

Thank you for all the comments and emails, Facebook messages and texts. I truly appreciate your love and support.

I have been vague about my situation. And for the most part, that has been intentional.

This blog started as a way to remind myself that I have plenty to be thankful for... even with this one thing lacking. I didn't want to bring the tone down, so I left out the details.

However, I can see now that I need to share those closely guarded details. I need your prayers as often as you are willing to give them, and so I want to share this with you.

Monday my story will go up and I pray that you will join me here and share yours.

I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to share these private issues with people who love and support us. 

I am thankful for all the prayers that I know go up on our behalf each day.

I am thankful for those who walk this path with me. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if we have to be here, I am so glad that we are not alone. 

Much love,






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Day 40 - Belong {Five Minute Friday}



Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker for Five Minute Friday, join us!

Today has been an emotional day on a lot of levels. And though I never grew up feeling like I didn't belong, I'm feeling that way now.

I have talked about this before, this childlessness issue. It seems boring to some, others want to roll their eyes at me and tell me how lucky I am to have a few more years without kids.

A few more years without crayon marked walls and broken dishes. I hear how I should be enjoying my 8 hours of sleep a night and all this alone time with my husband.

And I do enjoy it. I love it. But I don't feel like this is where I belong.

There is a sisterhood that I long to join. A brightly lit window on a dark night that displays these beautiful, strong women sitting around a kitchen table, swapping stories about their lives. A window that I have my face pressed up against so hard that it's starting to bruise.

And I don't belong there either. But I so desperately want to.

Oh how I long to step through that doorway and into the kitchen of mommyhood. I want to share stories of my first birth and how I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I want to ask advice from older mommies about how they got through teething or what butt cream works the best.

It seems so silly to write those things out, but it's a sisterhood that I can't wait to belong to.

Lord, be with me, and all those on this same path. Help us to find each other and form our own sisterhood in the waiting. You have already granted me so much comfort that it seems selfish to ask for more. But I am asking, Father. Be gentle with Your child as I wait for You to grant me mine.

I am thankful for the relationships that have formed through this waiting.

I am thankful for the comfort that God gives me daily.

I am thankful that He never tires of me asking for more strength, patience, wisdom, courage, peace...

Please, share with me your thanksgiving...






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Day 39 - Happiness Guilt


Happiness guilt. I'm beginning to regard this as a real issue.

Friends all around me are suffering in one way or another, just like we all do. So when I feel happy or content even in the midst of my suffering, I feel really guilty.

Am I the only one?


How do we balance the desire to be happy with the desire to help others in their time of need? 

How do we keep the need to sympathize with others from "bringing us down"? 

How do we encourage others without coming across as insincere and "saccharin" sweet?


Having been on the other side of this, I know that I have probably made others feel happiness guilt.

I didn't want to hear that you were praying for me. I didn't want to hear that "God is in control". And I sure didn't want to hear about all the ideas you had for how to magically fix my situation.

That sounds really harsh, but it's the truth. 

You know what finally snapped me out of it?

God completely broke me down to nothing and I had nowhere else to turn but to Him.

Here is some advise, whether you want it or not. Don't make Him break you down. Turn to Him now and truly seek His face.

Read your Bible everyday and with fervor. If you don't feel confident to navigate the Bible on your own, find a guided study and follow along.

For example:


 



Write in the workbook that comes with it. Take notes, write down how you feel about what you are studying.

And pray. 

Seriously. Pray. Talk to God like He's your best friend and you need to vent. Tell Him how you feel and what you need. Let your emotions truly show. He knows them anyway, don't try to hide them.

Ask Him for guidance, and mean it. Be willing to take that guidance.

Let yourself be scared to be so vulnerable. Lay it all on the line and genuinely ask God to work in your life. Because you know what? He will.

I am thankful to have happiness guilt issues. It means that I am really happy for the first time in years.

I am thankful that God listened to my endless, whiny prayers and still loves me.

I am thankful that I have been through the these things that allow me to be a comfort to others.

Linking up with A Royal Daughter {Desire to Inspire}, join us!

What are you thankful for today?







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Day 38 - Very Punny


We all have at least one in our lives. I have at least five.

That person who spends a good majority of their time thinking of the most horrible, cheesiest, gut-wrenching puns.

That would describe many people in my life, but none more so than my father.

This was one of the most common conversations of my childhood.

Me: Dad, my knee really hurts.
Dad: Your high-knee or your low-knee *snort*
Me: *eyeroll*

Fast forward to a few days ago while at the hospital awaiting the birth of my niece. We had been sitting in this awful hospital chairs for 13+ hours at this point... and I'm getting kinda old ;-)

Me: Man, my knee is killing me.
Dad: Your high-knee or your low-knee *snort*
Me: *chuckle* Well, at least some things never change.

I am so thankful to have such an outstanding man as my father... puns and all!

I am thankful to have a dad who wanted to be there for his kids, and was.

I am thankful that he is such a Godly example of leadership and wisdom.

What are you thankful for today?






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Day 37 - Sudden Change


 I've talked in the past about being patient and waiting for God's timing.

Waiting for jobs.

Waiting for a family.

Waiting for a house of our own... It always seems like we're just waiting.

That all changed yesterday. 

In the span of less than 8 hours we happened upon a house that we thought looked interesting, made an appointment to go look at it, looked at it (loved it), got pre-approved for a mortgage, and made an offer.

I'm still in shock!

Pray for us as we go about this journey. Our bid may or may not be accepted, and that's ok. But it sure feels nice to leave that last stepping stone behind and leap onto the next one!

I am thankful that God will never forget about me. He may ask me to wait, but He knows the plan for my life and it is all for my good and His glory.

I am thankful to be moving towards buying our first house.

I am thankful for the prayers of those around us. Lift us up friends, so that we may make wise decisions in the coming days and weeks.




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Day 36 - Provision


 Time after time, situation after situation, dollar after dollar, God provides.

Never once have I been without something that I needed. Many times I have been without things that I wanted... many, many times. But my needs, our needs have always been met.

I am so thankful that this continues to be true today.

A situation arose recently that I needed to address. I was terrified to say anything as I feared that whatever was said would be taken the wrong way and cause a fight.

I prayed about it yesterday, asking God to bless my words and allow my intent to be seen. Shaking and nervous I said what needed to be said.

It was met with a smile, a shrug of the shoulders and an "ok". I am SO thankful.

I just wish that my amnesia would stop kicking in when it comes to God and His provision. I always seem to work myself into a tizzy for no reason!

I am thankful that I have a God who hears my prayers and understands my situation.

I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who wants to help His worry-wort of a child.

I am thankful that my needs are always met through the same God who sent manna day after day to the wandering Israelites in the desert. 

Thank you Father God.

What are you thankful for today?


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Day 35 - Super Short Sunday

I have never walked into a swimming pool with all my clothes on. I know people who have, but it just never seemed too appealing to me.

My suspicions were confirmed yesterday when I got caught in the rain while walking to my car. I walked out into what appeared to be a light rain. WRONG!

Within two seconds FLAT, the Scholar and I were completely drenched.

That didn't slow us down though, we had a niece to see! The Scholar got to hold her yesterday for the first time and it was just precious.


I am thankful for the rain that my area received yesterday. Even though we got caught out in it, it was much needed!

I am thankful that I got to see my little niece again (and I'm getting ready to go see her again now!)

I am thankful that I have such amazing friends and family, who have been so supportive over the last few days. Thank you so much.

What are you thankful for today?



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Day 34 - New Life

Yesterday I talked about being present in the moment. Enjoying everything just a little more.

That's exactly what I got to do last night.

My little brother and his wife brought a new little life into our family. A little girl who looks just like her mama.

We waited for 15 hours in a hospital waiting room, but it was all worth it when I got to hold her. My niece.




She's perfect.

I am thankful that there were no complications with the birth.

I am thankful that I got to hold my perfect little niece!

I am thankful that we have a new member of our family.

What are you thankful for?


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Day 33 - Present {Five Minute Friday}



Go


Present. The time now occurring. This moment, this second, now.

That's where I want to live. In the present.

People say there's no guarantee of tomorrow, but neither is there a guarantee of 10 minutes from now.

I don't want to look back in 20 years and wonder...

What was I waiting for? Why didn't I enjoy every moment?

Why didn't I make time to see out of town friends?

Why didn't I get that upright bass that I wanted to learn how to play?

Why didn't I go to all the student recitals that I was invited to?

I don't want to hear myself say "I'll catch you next time." or "I'll have plenty of time for that later!"

It may make life a lot more hectic for a while, but I want to remember more than just sitting and watching TV every night with my husband, alone in our apartment. I love doing that, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to live like I have all the time in the world.

I want to live like today is all I have. God doesn't guarantee us anything more than the present.

Stop

Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker and her amazing community for Five Minute Friday.

I am thankful for the friends who have asked a million times for me to hang out with them on a Friday night... even though I've turned them down 9 times out of 10.

I am thankful for the opportunity to change my present before it's too late.



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